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IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER

And all because of some very pathetic, negative, loner and unprofessional

little f'wits in this world who prefer to

dig under your feet than to work as a

team (you know who you are - I'd love

to know why)...

This is my personal web site and has

been developed strictly in my own time

at no cost to my employers. [More...]

Jokes and Stuff

Ok, if you've come this far then just click here to sign that flippin' guestbook will ya (",)

One about the Flea!...

Watch it, this one's a 15 Rated!

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. “I got a ride down here in some guy’s moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my wings off,” wheezed Oscar.

“Let me give you a tip, ol’ pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes into take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?” So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar—looking more chilled and miserable than before.

“Oscar! What has happened to you now?” asked the flea.

“Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cosy that I dozed right off.”

“And so?” asked the first flea.

“And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s moustache again!”

From your friendly IT Department

You have to be a tech-head to enjoy this one!

HOW TO PLEASE YOUR I.T. DEPARTMENT
[A quick check list for those who need to make contact.]

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.